Zombie Apocolypse

Lol sorry for the most meta post of my career xD

Jay straightened immediately when he heard the screaming and gripped his hoe-thing tightly.  In this particular day and age, people no longer had reasons to scream over petty things.  Mice, rats and other vermin weren't that intimidating when compared to the reanimated corpses of people that one may or may not know.  Screaming normally meant something serious.  And serious nowadays meant said reanimated corpses.  "Shit," he said unnecessarily.
A (HIGHLY CONVENIENT FOR THE PLOT) guard strode up to the fence railings, and with what seemed like inappropriate casualness learned against it.  "Hey, infected!" they called over, "We've got a job for you.  A few of your lot have changed sides just now and we need them dealt with.  It's in your part of the camp, so you don't need to hurry."  Then they turned away and started to amble off.
"Wait," Jay shouted after them "What's happened?" Also, we don't have our usual weapons.  He didn't get any response from the guard who he could've sworn he heard whistling as they sauntered off.

(Mewl, building collapse or something ?  Just for max zombie fun)

Just another day in the life, huh? "I've always wanted to use hoe-things as weapons," Johnny said with false perkiness, examining the object that now lay between him being alive, and being undead. It didn't look all that impressive but, if it could make a suitable air guitar, it could surely function as a decapitator. Jay would no doubt find a way. Beautiful majestic wunderkind as he was, Johnny was still convinced Jay was part serial killer given his inability to be killed, and aptitude for slaughter.

"Come on," Johnny said as more screams and cries for help broke out, along with the sound of devouring. Zombies were loud eaters, and their food tended to protest. "Let's go put your latent psychopathy to use." Momentarily serious he grabbed the hoe-thing, swung it over one shoulder - careful not to cut Jay's hair on the way, because that seemed like an act worthy of the death penalty, or a lifetime grudge from Cecil Baldwin - and jogged off to find the source of the screaming.

Proving the omniscient gods of the universe right, a building had indeed collapsed. Shoddy apocalyptic architecture seemed to be lacking, because by the looks of things the infected hospital had buckled on one side. Several people were groaning under the debris, whilst others were groaning, shuffling around, and trying to chow down on their past peers. The horror was definite; a zombie bite to an artery led to an impressive amount of bursting blood, and they were messy, slow eaters, drawing out the act as they peeled skin and muscle away with rotting teeth, but by now Johnny was used to it, or as used to it as he could get.

Testing the weight of the hoe-thing, he practiced swinging it at the air and then nodded to himself. "Let's go earn our way back into the Capitalist Tyrants' good books."

Did someone say an excuse to write gratuitous gore-porn?

For all the timess Johnny had called Jay a psychopath, Jay had to feel bemused (and a little concerned) that Johnny was relishing the slaughter so much. He definitely didn't feel like smiling as he brought his hoe-thing swirling round to messily half-sever the head off another zombie.,In the corner of his eye he could see a few straglers fleeing to safety, wherever that was.
He didn't know how long he'd spent smashing, slashing and dodging zombies, but just as he was begining to feel a familiar weariness make the hoe-thing feel heavier, another zombie emerged from the wreckage of the building. It walked, rather than ambled. Jay had cone across so many terms for the zombies that tended to be as avgue and inaccurate as you could get, but he'd put this particular fellow in an intelligence rank above the average hoarde, but below the hunter. Enough to get you worried, if zombies alone didn't worry you. Raising the hoe-thing again, Jay moved warily towards the zombie, ready to pounce (or be pounce upon). Maybe Johnny had a suitable name for this type. (hint hint help)

Johnny wasn't quite so fancy as to be callously judging the poor zombies - poor baes - so as Jay prepared to have an epic showdown with a vaguely intelligent intelligent zombie, he was content to just smash and crash his way through the problematic friends they were making. However, with built in bae-danger sensors, he eventually got a tingly sensation in his fingertips, and thus looked around for boo. "Oh for fuck’s sake," he muttered with a wry grin, "only you could summon the alpha zombie."

Not that he wanted to interrupt Jay's epic show down, but he also didn't want to boo to get hurt. Thus, he decided to take on the deep duty of keeping the common rabble off of Jay, going a little over the top with the baseball bat as he slayed the zombies hordes trying to impede on the epic showdown that was about to go down.

(The level of sarcasm in that post was something I didn't quite fully appreciate yesterday.)

Deciding that the best plan of action would be to attack before being attacked, Jay leapt over a zombie carcass, swinging his hoe-thing over his head in a downwards slashing motion.  His offensive move was easily parried by - where the hell did that zombie get a weapon? Jay got a good look at the offending item as it whizzed inches past his nose in a retaliative  attack, and decided it was probably a broken off chair leg (the place was full of broken things waiting to be burnt).  He also decided that he really did not like intelligent zombies.  
He was immediately engaged in a bizarre kind of swordfight slashing and blocking with a gardening tool against an aged yet surprisingly robust chair leg.  He wasn't quite sure who this zombie had been before, but they were quick and filled with the usual "I'm so gonna eat your brains" sort of level determination of attack.  And despite landing blow after blow on the zombie's body that would have left any human feeling decided worse for wear, the zombie was still going strong.  Jay was getting increasingly tired and frustrated as his bout progressed, the hoe thing feeling like a dead weight.  He was using the thing to block blows more often than to attempting to land any himself, and each deflected hit sent jarring vibrations down his arms.  
Now, wood can only take so much of a bashing before it breaks, and after one particularly vicious blow from the attacking zombie, Jay heard the sound of cracking.  Unfortunately for him it was his hoe-thing, and now the zombie's makeshift club was soaring unhindered towards his head.  Fortunately, the zombie hadn't quite anticipated that breaking a length of wood in half would result in two shorten lengths of wood, and that the length of wood left in Jay's hand would be remarkably more splintered and pointy that it had previously been.   Gathering strength, Jay leapt at the zombie's face, driving the point of the not-so-much-of-a-hoe-thing-anymore towards the zombie's eyes.  The zombie also aided its own demise - its powerful swing that would, if Jay had remained where he was, sent him sprawling sideways turned into more of an incredibly violent hug, driving Jay's weapon further into its head.
Jay wasn't entirely appreciative of zombie hugs, as all the breath had been forced out of his body and he was left feeling as if someone had dropped a particularly heavy weight on his back - a cow, for instance.  In any case, he was left somewhat dazed as his opponent flailed its arms in zombie-agony, its intent on consuming human brains diminished by the sizeable hole in its brain.  Eventually even it gave saw sense and gave up, dropping pathetically to the ground and, as well a zombie could, died.

MY KITTEN

OMG OMG OMG OMG

read at your peril

I put Jay and Johnny and a few other words into a plot generator and was not prepared for the result..

(In case the link doesn't work)


I WAS CRYING LAUGHING THEN I GOT TO THE END AND DID NOT KNOW WHAT TO THINK
The Dead Meat cleaver


A Short Story
by asdfghjkl


Jay Williams looked at the dead meat cleaver in his hands and felt depressed.

He walked over to the window and reflected on his wild surroundings. He had always hated hellish Arizona with its lazy, lonely Loads of zombies. It was a place that encouraged his tendency to feel depressed.

Then he saw something in the distance, or rather someone. It was the figure of Johnny Crusader. Johnny was a BAMF kitten with hella adorable heads and slender fingers.

Jay gulped. He glanced at his own reflection. He was a RUGGEDLY ELEGANT, HELLA GAY, water drinker with ruggedly elegant heads and tall fingers. His friends saw him as a brawny, bored BAMF. Once, he had even helped a motionless newbie infected recover from a flying accident.

But not even a RUGGEDLY ELEGANT person who had once helped a motionless newbie infected recover from a flying accident, was prepared for what Johnny had in store today.

The drought teased like slaying rats, making Jay that mood when you're on a zombie killing spree.

As Jay stepped outside and Johnny came closer, he could see the miniature smile on his face.

"I am here because I want WE ALL KNOW WHAT JOHNNY WANTS FROM JAY," Johnny bellowed, in an ADORABLE tone. He slammed his fist against Jay's chest, with the force of 7043 seagulls. "I frigging love you, Jay Williams."

Jay looked back, even more that mood when you're on a zombie killing spree and still fingering the dead meat cleaver. "Johnny, you're calling ME a psychopath," he replied.

They looked at each other with unhappy feelings, like two massive, miniature mice killing at a very done with your shit zombie apocalypse, which had baroque music playing in the background and two my kitten uncles decapitating to the beat.

Suddenly, Johnny lunged forward and tried to punch Jay in the face. Quickly, Jay grabbed the dead meat cleaver and brought it down on Johnny's skull.

Johnny's hella adorable heads trembled and his slender fingers wobbled. He looked angry, his body raw like a brainy, bumpy baseball bat.

Then he let out an agonising groan and collapsed onto the ground. Moments later Johnny Crusader was dead.

Jay Williams went back inside and made himself a nice drink of water.
THE END

Galactic Gay Meat cleaver Wars


A Science Fiction Plot
by asdfghjkl


A long, long time ago in a gay, gay galaxy...

After leaving the angry planet pluto, a group of zombies fly toward a distant speck. The speck gradually resolves into a cold, space the grey building.

Civil war strikes the galaxy, which is ruled by The Highup, a zombiefied zombie capable of murdering newbies and even murdering our adorable protagonists.

Terrified, an adorable zombie known as Johnny Crusader flees the Empire, with his protector, Jay Williams.

They head for Ariona on the planet uranus. When they finally arrive, a fight breaks out. Williams uses his gay meat cleaver to defend Johnny.

Williams and Zombie Johnny decide it's time to leave uranus and steal a gay-mobile to shoot their way out.

They encounter a tribe of zombies. Williams is attacked and the zombie is captured by the zombies and taken back to Ariona.

Williams must fight to save Zombie Johnny but when he accidentally unearths a gay zombie, the entire future of the gay, angry galaxy is at stake.

Praise for Galactic Gay Meat cleaver Wars

"I really, really, really hope that Williams saves Zombie Johnny because I love this story soooooo much!"

- The Daily Tale

"A zombiefied zombie, a tribe of zombies and an adorable zombie - haven't we seen this before somewhere?"

- Enid Kibbler

Tempting the Gay Infected


A Paranormal Romance
by asdfghjkl


Johnny Crusader suspected something was a little off when his seeingly innocent pet rabbit tried to kill him when he was just six years old. Nevertheless, he lived a relatively normal life among other humans.

It wasn't until he bumped into the devilishly gay infected, Jay Williams, that his life finally began to make sense.

However, Jay proved to be a BAMF and seemed to have an unhealthy obsession with decapitating zombies. Johnny soon learnt that Jay had taken an oath never to screw a human being.

When Johnny's seeingly innocent pet rabbit is injured in a culinary accident, Johnny realises his own life is at risk.

Despite Jay's rugged elegance and sass, Johnny finds himself falling for the infected. Only fate will decided whether he kills or protects him.

One night, a zombie appears before Johnny and warns him of a darkness within Jay. The zombie gives Johnny the pink baseball bat - the only weapon that can defeat a gay infected.

Will Johnny find it in himself to kill the only creature who has ever made him feel truly sassy? (Hint: yes!)


Praise for Tempting the Gay Infected

"Oh my golly gosh - where can I find myself a tasty gay infected?"

- The Daily Tale

"Oh please! Like a human would ever be able to kill a infected with a pink baseball bat!"

- Enid Kibbler

"I didn't like the seeingly innocent pet rabbit at all and was glad when the culinary accident happened."

- Hit the Spoof

"The blurb spoilt the plot. I don't need to read it now."

- Zob Gloop

SOMEBODY STOP ME
sjhgiukhd

MEWLLLLL I AM ALVIE AND TRIUMPHANT AND READY FOR ZOMBIE KITTENS.
UH
OK
HERE GOES

...
?


Now that the effects of zombie battle-driven adrenaline were subsiding, Jay felt a wave of weariness wash over him. He found himself wishing that his hoe-thing was still to hand, rather than mostly imbedded into a zombie's head, so that he could use it for support.
"He's better looking than you," he said dryly. "But since you asked so nicely..." He half-staggered over to Johnny and slung an arm awkwardly round the taller infected's shoulders, and trying to act like he totally wasn't using Johnny to keep himself upright. "I hope you don't mind if I don't kiss you, you're covered in zombie gore, like, ew." He himself was deliberately avoiding thinking about the bits of zombie brain that had inevitably sprayed all over his face during his zombie hugging experience. "And I don't think the high-ups have such a thing as a 'good book' to add our valiant names to."

You know you need an account to write stuff now? We can't be ridiculously named guests. Weeping. Also please venture onto a free talking medium, be it here or facebook, if you can bear that place.

All my text optiony things have gone and I feel lost? (there is no toolbar or anything?) I'm just going to wing it on the colour/ formatting
OMG i guessed fiddled the colour number till it was blue

"Ugh" Jay grumbled, awkwardly unslinging his arm from around Johnny's shoulders. "Blasted uninfected spoiling the mood. How rude." He forced his posture into something vaguely more upright and regarded the assembled soldiers impassively.
"Drop your weapons, infected! " One of the soldiers shouted suddenly.
I mean, it's not much use to me now Jay thought wryly, releasing his grip from the splintered remaining halves of the hoe-thing, which he'd been clutching in one hand. The sticks tugged slightly at his skin as they fell to the ground; clearly there was a business opportunity being missed here - this particular zombie's entrails would make surprisingly good glue.
"Report on what happened here?" the same soldier demanded. It was not the same soldier that had notified them of the incident - Jay could see that one lurking near the back of the assembled group of soldiers, but surely all of them - this one clearly superior - must've known what was going on?
Jay thought it would not do him any good to query "Hospital building collapsed, causing the death of numerous infected and their subsequent reanimation. I think we have disposed of -" he concealed a wince, that seemed to him callous wording but it was what the soldiers often used "- the those who returned. The infected who were in the hospital unit have made their way to safety" He motioned at the huddle of infected, some of whom looked suspiciously worse for wear but were trying to conceal it. It didn't bode too well to be a "poorly" infected
The soldier raised an eyebrow, and pulled from his pocket a walkie-talkie device. Not breaking eye contact, he spoke into the the walkie-talkie. "Did you hear that ma'am? The troublemakers make heroes of themselves, it seems"
A moment's paused was followed be the voice of the higher-up they'd been spoken to in the office earlier. "Interesting. It would seem that, as unwell infected are both a liability and a drain on resources, they are not a very... viable group to be keeping in our encampment"
"I completely agree, ma'am. What would you like us to do?" The soldier was smiling unpleasantly as he shifted his gaze over to the escapee infected, who were watching the lead soldier with growing unsettlement. A few of them still looked pretty shell-shocked, but most of them were catching on to where this conversation was going.
"I suppose our two young troublemakers can have the rest of the day off - they seem to have done quite enough work for the day-" the soldier jerked his thumb over his shoulder aggressively, Jay took this as their cue to leave. He turned around and had walked several paces when he heard the high-up issued her next command
"Oh, and cull the escapee infected" With that, the dull static that had announced her vocal presence ended.
Jay turned somewhat unsteadily on the spot - he'd expected the unfortunate infected to be evicted, not killed! The soldier rabble moved in, forming a screen in front of the huddle of infected. Jay took a half step forward, biting back a shout. To intervene here was suicide.

Talk to me bro